Talking to Children about Death

My father-in-law died.? We buried him last week.? He was eighty-one, a Korean War vet, a Papa to my three children, and a volunteer for the AMVETS.? He took my children to the Zoo, the museum, the conservatory, and the park.? Whenever he visited, he got down on the floor to play with the kids, or they climbed into his lap.? He put together my daughter?s first art table and always had the correct batteries and screw drivers to fix my autistic son?s toys.? He never yelled.? Never.? He never complained.? Never.? If our furnace stopped working, our toilet started leaking, or our car made a funny noise, we called him to diagnose the problem.

He had chronic heart failure and no measure of love in us or him could fix his broken heart.? Even though his health was declining, we were not prepared for him to die.? Can you ever be?? His presence always made me feel calm even when he said nothing.? His absence is surreal and visceral like waking one morning to discover that the birds are missing and the sun disappeared.

My children never experienced death of a loved one.? No pets to teach the meaning of dying.? We have talked about my deceased parents.? We have discussed how their bodies stopped working, and how much I miss them.? My children know that talking about them helps me feel better.? A picture of them in the living room serves as a reminder that they have two grandparents who are dead but still looking out for them, kind of like Cinderella?s fairy godmother.

How a child experiences grief depends not only on the cultural beliefs of the family but also on the child?s developmental stage.? Children less than two years may have subtle changes in behavior: clingy, temper outbursts, or acting out.? Children between three and six years understand a bit more but still do not comprehend the finality of death.? Between six and eleven children understand dying but have difficulty believing that it can affect their loved ones.? After age eleven, most children understand that death is universal and inevitable.

Children might not cry immediately.? They may feel sad, guilty, or angry.? They may feel vulnerable and concerned that others close to them will die.? Transient sleep and appetite disruption as well as minor physical complaints like tummy ache or headache are common.

Adults should share their feelings and let children ask questions and talk about the deceased. ?Children should be included in whatever way that seems to suit the child. ?My children arrived early to the wake, but they did not want to stay. ?I prepared them by saying that nana and their father might cry. I told them that Papa?s body would be there, but it might not look exactly like him because his spirit was free, like a butterfly who leaves a coccoon.? My six year old cried then giggled imagining her Papa in a ?ginormous? coccoon. ? My daughters gave papa pictures that they drew.

My son typed a letter to him with help from his teacher at school. ?She sent me an email after I asked for her help in explaining to David what happened:

I talked with David yesterday afternoon about Papa.? We talked about making a book about Papa with pictures and he liked the idea.? I would be more than happy to help if you have any pictures.? This afternoon, David did his writing about Papa.? I started with the title, ?Papa and the Itty Bitty Buddy? which I typed after David had told me what to type.? The next 3 sentences David typed.? I googled images and he chose each picture.? At the end he felt that he typed his 3 sentences but had more to say.? I told him I would type the rest.? I always have him type 3 sentences.? The end I scribed for David.? I am not sure how much you have talked with David but I feel in my heart that he does have an understanding- ?in his own way? of what has happened with Papa.? I am sending home what David typed.? He asked me to read it to him several times.

On the way to the funeral, I explained in very concrete terms about what to expect at the service.? Papa would be dead in a covered box while everyone remembered him and said good bye to him one last time.? My six year old complained of abdominal pain toward the end of the service and then began to cry.? Her three year old sister started crying when the casket left the church, ?Where?s papa going??? I did not take them to the cemetery but in retrospect it might have been something my six year old would have appreciated: 21-gun salute and presentation of the American flag.

We had a gathering at our home with friends and family. ?The weather was beautiful. ?The kids rode their bikes, played outside, and enjoyed visiting with relatives.

The celebration ended. ?We are adjusting to the new reality. ?The kids seem to be doing better than the adults. ?If your family is experiencing grief, the most important thing to do is to take care of yourself so you are best able to help your children. ?Seek extra help from a pediatrician or counselor if your child has:

• an extended period of depression in which the child loses interest in daily activities and events
• inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone
• acts much younger for an extended period
• excessively imitates the dead person
• repeatedly says she wants to join the dead person
• withdrawal from friends, or
• sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school

Here in Cincinnati, Fernside, a non-profit offers free support groups to children dealing with grief. ?Here are tips from them on ?how to help a grieving child.

For specific information on helping children with autism cope with death, visit the National Autistic Society website.

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Source: http://www.pensivepediatrician.com/2012/03/talking-to-children-about-death/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=talking-to-children-about-death

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